Sending My Baby to College

The time came. I had to send my baby to college. It could have been the hardest thing I've ever done, to date, as a parent.
I can only assume that the 1st child is the hardest. I suppose it also depends on the child's personality. I have been dreading this day since I realized she was a Senior in High School. I hated every "last". Last first softball game, Last homecoming, Last newspaper article, Last sleepover with HS friends, etc, etc, etc until it has almost killed me. Then there was graduation. I did so great on this day. I was sad yet so excited for her future. Then summer flew by. Then it is August and time to think about this for real. I did what all good mom's do, I read the books, I made her pack her stuff, I took her shopping, we bought all that was needed, did all that needed to be done.
Now it is D-day. The first day of the rest of her life and all her belongings she can't live without are packed in to the van.


Loaded and ready to go
 

I did so great on this day. I really did. Way better than I ever expected of myself. It could have been the Xanax? It could have been that she was a TOTAL PAIN IN THE ASS the entire week prior and I was ready to feed her to the sharks. Sink or Swim baby, and momma thinks you're gonna sink. Yes, I was thinking that. 

It was a really longggg day. We had to get her room situated. This girl who has never shared a room is now sharing a room with 2 other people. The room is smaller than her bedroom. She doesn't like people. This won't go well. The 1st girl to come (and the one who is never there) gets half the room. Allie gets 2nd dibs, so she gets 30% of the room and the poor girl who comes last is SOL. She gets what's left, which isn't much!!

Then we move on to orientation. AGAIN. How many times do we need to hear the same things?? I see her sitting with Geoffrey. Thank you dear Lord for sending Geoffrey to Culver to be with Allie. Thank you God that they are even in the same dorm building. This allows me to be at peace. To know that she will be OK. He will look after her. He will help her get to know people. I pray he lets her tag along with him for the first little while. (he is)

We are ready to leave. We've been ready for hours, it is hot and we are tired. Lou has decided we shall celebrate by having supper at Texas Road House. "Celebrate". OKAY. We find her in her room, we don't make a big deal out of it. Just staying at camp for a few days, that's all. Love you, have fun, bye. We walk out. I am OK. I just left my heart, but I am ok. I will be OK. He does a happy dance. He makes me drive. I get about 3 miles and it hits. The bawls. He laughs at me, takes pictures of me, tries to make me laugh, makes fun of me. I bawl anyway. I only get to cry for 25 minutes, b/c now we're at supper and I can't bawl at the restaurant.

We get home. I am doing pretty good. Not many more tears since the initial deluge. Then everyone goes to bed. I'm up. Alone. I cry. I cry for 3 hours. Sobbing uncontrollably. I don't know if I will live through this incredible sadness. No one understands WHY I am so sad about this.

I am sad b/c she is my first born child. The child who literally kept me alive through 2 horrific years of my life. I was in a very dark place for a long time. I would cling to her and cry night after night. I am sad b/c she is the child who chatters with me. She comes home from her day and she spends an hour telling me about it. I will miss this so much. More than words can describe. Her brother talks non-stop all the time about nothing, whatever pops in his head, but this is different. Her sister hardly speaks unless she's in a really good mood or wants something, she doesn't tell me anything, I have to play 20 questions and usually get 20 One-word answers, this is annoying and defeating and no fun. Allie entertains us. She is always a fruitcake. Even when she's being a first rate bitch, even when she's having "A FIT" it is entertaining!

It has been 6 hours since I left her. My heart is bleeding. I will not text her. I will make her contact me first, even if it kills me. I had to wait until late the next morning. That was forever!!!! This next day I laid in bed and cried and watched TV and felt sorry for myself all day long. I had reserved the day for this very thing. LOL Poor Mom! Day 2 was a very busy day, I didn't have time to feel sorry for myself. Until 10pm, when the house was quiet, and she's not sitting on the couch chattering away at me about her day. I felt so alone and I cried some more. & so it went like this the rest of the week.
OH, on Monday I wanted SOOOOO BAD to text her and ask her to meet me for lunch on Tuesday, but I told myself I would NOT! Monday night, during my crying time, she text me and asked me to meet her for lunch! MOM WINNNNN!!!!!!!! :D

After her 1st weekend at home she came to my office to say bye on Tuesday morning, she teared up b/c she didn't want to go back. I said all the proper mom things and sent her on her way. And then bawled some more. 2nd hardest thing ever! BUT, I did not cry at all the rest of week 2. I am getting used to this.
She comes home for the 2nd weekend, she leaves on Sunday evening, no one cries. It was just "have a good week, love you." We can do this! I still miss chatting with her. I still miss hearing about her life on a daily basis. I am trying not to push her to talk to me. I know I have to let go. I am trying. I really am. I try to focus on the "I'm thankful for's" and I dread the day she decides not to come home for the weekend, but at the same time, when that happens, I will know she's OK at college, but I will cry some more.