15 days and I will have been a mom for 20 years. After 20 years you'd think I'd have a little better handle on it. Nope. Still NO CLUE!
I gave it all I had. I have proven without a doubt that I suck at it. This sucks most b/c I really tried. This might be the thing I wanted most to be good at, but I'm not.
If you aren't good at something after 20 years then you might as well just give it up!
If I could physically leave without it causing issues I totally would. I would pack up and leave it all behind, or maybe not even pack.
Allie doesn't want me. Alexis doesn't need me. Lou and Justin proved they can get along just fine without me. I am irrelevant to any of their lives.
When I started this that is't what I was going to type. I was going to talk about all things I'm doing wrong, but ultimately, even I am tired of hearing about that. The list is exhausting.
Every day I try. Every day I get up and do it again. Every day I get the same result. I don't have many days left in me.
Saturday, April 2, 2016
the CRAZY mom
I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to being the best mom I could be. OK, maybe that's not true - I could have done a lot of things better...but I have tried to be a good mom.
My kids have never wanted for anything - that's a flaw. I have always tried to spend time with them. I have always attended every single event in their little lives - even if I didn't want to. They have basically had no responsibilities - another flaw - it's easier and less dramatic to just do it myself. I have always tried to have a RELATIONSHIP with my kids. I've tried to listen and care about their lives.
The last 9 months have been hard. That's a huge understatement. It would have been hard just dealing with Allie going off to college and learning to have a different kind of relationship with her.
Insert new boyfriend. New boyfriend hangs around our house a lot for the first 3 months. Things were going well (I thought), we were getting to know him, we were getting to see Allie sometimes. Then he got his own house. Now we had to lay down some rules and boundaries. (WHAT? She's 18!!!!!!!! Yes, yes she is 18, but she has no job, no income exceptt what we provide - and we provide EVERYTHING! So yes, there will be rules. If she would like to get a job and pay for her car and her insurance and her cell phone then by all means, she can do as she pleases.) This was the first CRAZY thing we did.
Fast forward a few weeks, she goes on a road trip to California with BF. While she is gone she decides that communication is over-rated and unnecessary. We knew when she was supposed to be home (the day before school started). We did not, however, actually know when she would be home. I got a text from BF's mom berating me for insisting they be home at a certain time, therefore endangering their lives. Interesting, I didn't even know they had left California. (Not true, I saw pictures on his snapchat story of them in AZ) I wasn't happy. I called my daughter, not happy. This is how I found out that they would not be home in time for her to go back to school the next day. CRAZY that we were mad about such a piddly thing!! (We did not care that she was a couple days late, we cared that she hadn't bothered to tell us.)
Now things are strained. She's mad at us for making a big deal about nothing. BF starts to tell her that we're too much. I don't know exact words, but I've gotten the impression that he thinks we expect too much, we're too close. It is weird that we want to know her BF's. It isn't normal for us to be so involved in her life. He stops coming around, which means she does too. He tells her "he's just not a family guy." Odd he spends so much time with his family, at his parent's daily, talks to his mom on the phone multiple times a day, goes to his grandparents at least weekly...but we're too involved in her life. We're CRAZY.
During this time the rule was that she could stay at his house on Friday OR Saturday night, not both, and if she did stay at his house she had to be home by 9:30am for breakfast. This rule only sometimes got followed partially. By the way, this was not my rule, this was her dad's rule. I did not personally care where she stayed when, as long as I got to visit with her a couple hours each weekend I was happy. I also wanted her to be at home for family supper on Sunday nights. What am I thinking wanting to make sure my kid gets one good meal a week? CRAZY expectation! I will also add that if class got cancelled or she had any free time during the week she was staying at his house - her dad had no clue or he would have blown up!
Then came the "mom lost it" blow up. As I have said, all I wanted was a little quality time to visit with her, to see her face, to be able to tell how she's doing and listen to her chat about her life. There was this game that she told me to buy it, so I did. We talked about getting everyone together that Saturday night to play it. The girls, their BF's, and a few close friends. I thought she was excited about it. She didn't show up. I lost it. I was SO HURT. (I had held my tongue over so many hurts the prior 6 months b/c I knew I had to let her go, let her grow up, etc.... Even though it wasn't easy, I knew these were my issues to work through and she wasn't doing anything wrong.) I don't recall what I said, but I'm sure I said mean CRAZY things. If she just wouldn't have acted like she wanted to play. If she only would have told me they weren't coming. I blamed the BF - he didn't want to come, she picked him over us....the reality was, she never said a word to him about it. I learned a most important lesson that day. By far the most hurtful lesson I've learned since I became a mom.
I didn't want the reminder of this lesson in front of me - I told her to move to her BF's house, I didn't want her at mine. Not only did I tell her to, I insisted on it. I drove her there and dropped her off (Not true - Lou drove, at my insistence). I know, CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!! CRAZY for me not to want to pay to support someone who has NO respect for me! Then it got even CRAZIER, her dad kept making her come home. Come home to talk to him, come home to talk to me (I didn't want or ask for this). After a couple ugly weeks we got things straightened out.
I promised to do better and be less CRAZY. This meant I would stop texting her "all the time" (all the time = more than 2x a day), I would try to not talk to her too much, I would have no expectations, I would not include her in family things, I would not inquire as to if or when she might be at home, I would not ask any questions about her life. I would try to not parent her. Things went smoothly from then on out. I thought.
Fast forward 2 months.. She spent the last 3 weeks sleeping at home while she was doing her internship. Same rules applied as if she were at school. I'm not sure what happened. I thought things were going smoothly. I heard rumors that her BF wanted to "take a break", his reason was he didn't want to have a GF for summer b/c he wanted to have fun at rodeos. When we tried to ask Allie about this she freaked out. She told us it's normal for people who go from only seeing each other on weekends to every day to annoy each other (true). We left it at that. Two days ago he broke up with her. His reason was that his mom and dad fight every single day b/c his dad hates his CRAZY mother-in-law and he couldn't spend the rest of his life fighting with Allie over her CRAZY FUCKING MOM. Sooooooo....this is ALL MY FAULT. Because I'm CRAZY.
I have put forth much effort over the last few months to not be CRAZY. I have done a good job of not parenting, I thought. I haven't even attempted to talk to her BF - except about gravel and sand and one time I did text them both about steaks for supper (my bad). I do not have any idea what I've done wrong since the "mom lost it" blow up.
Insert a relative. A relative who I thought was my friend. my good, close friend. A friend who I felt comfortable talking to about these things. A relative who I found out was telling my girls' every thing I ever complained about regarding them. A friend who was making things worse and causing more drama. A relative who was taking my confidences and stabbing me in the back with them. A friend who encouraged my kids to hate me. A relative who talks to my other relatives and friends about how CRAZY I am. Who needs enemies?
My daughter hates me because I made it known that we don't appreciate her BF brainwashing her against her family. She says he had nothing to do with it, she came to these realizations on her own. However, she does not hate me enough to not take my money. I must still pay for her car and her insurance and her phone and her college, even though I am not allowed to be her parent.
There are all these rules that I don't even know exist until I have broken them. I don't know how to play that game. I am a parent. I parent. That is who I am. I want to parent everyone. I want to take care of everyone. If I see a need, I want to meet it. If there is an opportunity to have 10 people at my table, I want 10 people at my table. If Joe Doe basketball player doesn't have on an undershirt, I want to supply him with an undershirt. That is who I am. Asking me to not parent my own child is like asking me to spin the earth the other way. But I will try. Because this is how much I love my child who hates me, because I'm CRAZY.
My kids have never wanted for anything - that's a flaw. I have always tried to spend time with them. I have always attended every single event in their little lives - even if I didn't want to. They have basically had no responsibilities - another flaw - it's easier and less dramatic to just do it myself. I have always tried to have a RELATIONSHIP with my kids. I've tried to listen and care about their lives.
The last 9 months have been hard. That's a huge understatement. It would have been hard just dealing with Allie going off to college and learning to have a different kind of relationship with her.
Insert new boyfriend. New boyfriend hangs around our house a lot for the first 3 months. Things were going well (I thought), we were getting to know him, we were getting to see Allie sometimes. Then he got his own house. Now we had to lay down some rules and boundaries. (WHAT? She's 18!!!!!!!! Yes, yes she is 18, but she has no job, no income exceptt what we provide - and we provide EVERYTHING! So yes, there will be rules. If she would like to get a job and pay for her car and her insurance and her cell phone then by all means, she can do as she pleases.) This was the first CRAZY thing we did.
Fast forward a few weeks, she goes on a road trip to California with BF. While she is gone she decides that communication is over-rated and unnecessary. We knew when she was supposed to be home (the day before school started). We did not, however, actually know when she would be home. I got a text from BF's mom berating me for insisting they be home at a certain time, therefore endangering their lives. Interesting, I didn't even know they had left California. (Not true, I saw pictures on his snapchat story of them in AZ) I wasn't happy. I called my daughter, not happy. This is how I found out that they would not be home in time for her to go back to school the next day. CRAZY that we were mad about such a piddly thing!! (We did not care that she was a couple days late, we cared that she hadn't bothered to tell us.)
Now things are strained. She's mad at us for making a big deal about nothing. BF starts to tell her that we're too much. I don't know exact words, but I've gotten the impression that he thinks we expect too much, we're too close. It is weird that we want to know her BF's. It isn't normal for us to be so involved in her life. He stops coming around, which means she does too. He tells her "he's just not a family guy." Odd he spends so much time with his family, at his parent's daily, talks to his mom on the phone multiple times a day, goes to his grandparents at least weekly...but we're too involved in her life. We're CRAZY.
During this time the rule was that she could stay at his house on Friday OR Saturday night, not both, and if she did stay at his house she had to be home by 9:30am for breakfast. This rule only sometimes got followed partially. By the way, this was not my rule, this was her dad's rule. I did not personally care where she stayed when, as long as I got to visit with her a couple hours each weekend I was happy. I also wanted her to be at home for family supper on Sunday nights. What am I thinking wanting to make sure my kid gets one good meal a week? CRAZY expectation! I will also add that if class got cancelled or she had any free time during the week she was staying at his house - her dad had no clue or he would have blown up!
Then came the "mom lost it" blow up. As I have said, all I wanted was a little quality time to visit with her, to see her face, to be able to tell how she's doing and listen to her chat about her life. There was this game that she told me to buy it, so I did. We talked about getting everyone together that Saturday night to play it. The girls, their BF's, and a few close friends. I thought she was excited about it. She didn't show up. I lost it. I was SO HURT. (I had held my tongue over so many hurts the prior 6 months b/c I knew I had to let her go, let her grow up, etc.... Even though it wasn't easy, I knew these were my issues to work through and she wasn't doing anything wrong.) I don't recall what I said, but I'm sure I said mean CRAZY things. If she just wouldn't have acted like she wanted to play. If she only would have told me they weren't coming. I blamed the BF - he didn't want to come, she picked him over us....the reality was, she never said a word to him about it. I learned a most important lesson that day. By far the most hurtful lesson I've learned since I became a mom.
I didn't want the reminder of this lesson in front of me - I told her to move to her BF's house, I didn't want her at mine. Not only did I tell her to, I insisted on it. I drove her there and dropped her off (Not true - Lou drove, at my insistence). I know, CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!! CRAZY for me not to want to pay to support someone who has NO respect for me! Then it got even CRAZIER, her dad kept making her come home. Come home to talk to him, come home to talk to me (I didn't want or ask for this). After a couple ugly weeks we got things straightened out.
I promised to do better and be less CRAZY. This meant I would stop texting her "all the time" (all the time = more than 2x a day), I would try to not talk to her too much, I would have no expectations, I would not include her in family things, I would not inquire as to if or when she might be at home, I would not ask any questions about her life. I would try to not parent her. Things went smoothly from then on out. I thought.
Fast forward 2 months.. She spent the last 3 weeks sleeping at home while she was doing her internship. Same rules applied as if she were at school. I'm not sure what happened. I thought things were going smoothly. I heard rumors that her BF wanted to "take a break", his reason was he didn't want to have a GF for summer b/c he wanted to have fun at rodeos. When we tried to ask Allie about this she freaked out. She told us it's normal for people who go from only seeing each other on weekends to every day to annoy each other (true). We left it at that. Two days ago he broke up with her. His reason was that his mom and dad fight every single day b/c his dad hates his CRAZY mother-in-law and he couldn't spend the rest of his life fighting with Allie over her CRAZY FUCKING MOM. Sooooooo....this is ALL MY FAULT. Because I'm CRAZY.
I have put forth much effort over the last few months to not be CRAZY. I have done a good job of not parenting, I thought. I haven't even attempted to talk to her BF - except about gravel and sand and one time I did text them both about steaks for supper (my bad). I do not have any idea what I've done wrong since the "mom lost it" blow up.
Insert a relative. A relative who I thought was my friend. my good, close friend. A friend who I felt comfortable talking to about these things. A relative who I found out was telling my girls' every thing I ever complained about regarding them. A friend who was making things worse and causing more drama. A relative who was taking my confidences and stabbing me in the back with them. A friend who encouraged my kids to hate me. A relative who talks to my other relatives and friends about how CRAZY I am. Who needs enemies?
My daughter hates me because I made it known that we don't appreciate her BF brainwashing her against her family. She says he had nothing to do with it, she came to these realizations on her own. However, she does not hate me enough to not take my money. I must still pay for her car and her insurance and her phone and her college, even though I am not allowed to be her parent.
There are all these rules that I don't even know exist until I have broken them. I don't know how to play that game. I am a parent. I parent. That is who I am. I want to parent everyone. I want to take care of everyone. If I see a need, I want to meet it. If there is an opportunity to have 10 people at my table, I want 10 people at my table. If Joe Doe basketball player doesn't have on an undershirt, I want to supply him with an undershirt. That is who I am. Asking me to not parent my own child is like asking me to spin the earth the other way. But I will try. Because this is how much I love my child who hates me, because I'm CRAZY.
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